Its really hard...
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard from clients when they are in the shits, and needing it most, that they don’t really know what to do to make themselves feel better in the line of self-care. And these are grown up adults. I’ve struggled with this almost as much as my clients. Sure I know that eating well (I’m a friggin Nutritionist for g-d sakes), getting enough sleep and exercise are all good for me. And I often encourage my clients to prioritize these physical health steps towards self-care. But what if you don’t feel like ‘DOING’ self care? What if you are really struggling to get through the day? Sure Ill go get a massage but it still doesn’t feel like self care sometimes.
This blog post has been exceedingly difficult for me to write because I also struggle with my PRACTICE of self-care. According to the experts (?) self-care is nurturing ourselves. I understand the need for self-compassion, which is being kind and compassionate to ourselves, and I know how to practice this act of kindness but self-care sometimes feels like a load of sh-t, which is why I now am trying really hard to not tell someone to perform acts of self-care. What I am encouraging and offering (without added pressure) is doing things that make us feel better. OK so this makes sense, move towards feeling better... But again myself included, when feeling down and or exceedingly hard on my self, we struggle with identifying what makes us feel better. I know many times choosing to eat a healthy meal vs. a big plate of nachos (my go to comfort food…) does not make me feel better in the moment. And I am referring to making ourselves feel better in the moment, when we are feeling down, sad, lonely and numerable other negative emotions and feelings.
Just feel...
Something as simple as allowing ourselves to sleep in and or have a lazy Sunday can be really hard to accept. In our culture we strive to be productive and have a really difficult time being lazy.
What is it about the term laziness that seems so negative?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of lazy is: Disinclined to activity or exertion: not energetic or vigorous.
From this point of view, lazy should be perfectly acceptable on a Sunday afternoon.
But I still have a hard time, even after having a super busy week, being OK with being lazy. I know many of my clients do as well. What if we were to just allow ourselves to feel how we feel? No story, just feel...
What if we were to only choose to do things that felt good and did not drain us our energy???
Why is it so hard?...
This post isn’t really about why we have such a hard time practicing self care, but more so how to practice self-care and self-compassion. I think we know that we are our biggest critics: We feel like we aren’t good enough if we aren’t being productive, feel selfish for taking time for ourselves when our friends and family need us. I believe we also know that self-care is good for the soul, so why can’t we PRACTICE these acts of self-compassion/ self-care. Well maybe it has something to do with the definition of self-care: to nurture ourselves. Maybe we don’t know how to nurture ourselves because we never received proper nurturing as a child. Our primary caregivers might not have known how to nurture us because they weren’t nurtured as children. Maybe it’s because of something else but this also isn’t a post about what our parents/ primary caregivers didn’t do for us. Its about what can we do for us???
OK so now that we are a little closer to understanding what the problem is, we can begin to think of ways we might have felt nurtured in the past. Or ways we believe might feel nurturing. Perhaps we might think about a little child and what you could do to nurture and provide some care and soothing. Sometimes it is easier to step outside of our self for these ideas.
Some ideas I offer:
1)-Slow down (and breathe)
Seems simple right? Of course its not that simple but its only PRACTICE as all of these acts are…
2)-Allow ourselves to feel how we are feeling without the story and just feel…
This is about being mindful, something I am a big proponent of… (See blog post #6)
3)-Set boundaries with our time, with who we allow into our lives…
It’s not selfish to make time for ourselves; actually its crucial if we want to be there for others…
(Put on our gas mask on first….)
4)-Say NO
This can be really hard, but with practice it can feel easier and maybe even feel GOOD…
5)-Ask for help when you need it…
This could be as direct as saying I don’t want advice, just want/ need you to listen…
Yes, this can be really hard but is necessary and usually those we ask really want to help….
As much as we might feel like we are a burden to others, it’ s rare that our loved ones agree.
6)-Set an intention for the day during the first few minutes of the day.
It could be as simple as ‘trying’ to be kind with your self (See Blog post #1)
7)-Practice gratitude and appreciation
Identify a minimum of 3 things you are grateful for and (ideally) writing them down in am & or pm…
8)-Move
Even a few stretches can feel good (esp. after a hot shower…)
9)-Stimulate your mind: Read a book/ blog, listen to podcast… Try/ learn something new.
10)-Play
I leave this towards the end, as I know this is very hard for many of us (including myself).
This is why it’s so nice to have little kids and animals in our lives, as being around them
seems to take away any sense of self-judgment when we act silly and or are vulnerable…
LOVE A PUPPY!!!
I bought a pack of jacks after a retreat when I asked myself what did I used to enjoy as a little kid…!
11)-Crafts
Going to Michaels (or any craft store) can be a really new experience.
Coloring (adult coloring books are all the rage now!)
Questions to ask yourself...
-What are you doing when you feel most happy?
-What makes you feel most energized?
-What makes for a good weekend?
-What is missing that you used to enjoy doing?
-What makes your week difficult if you don’t do it/ include it in your day to day…?
Emotional, physical, social and spiritual...
Another approach is to look at your emotional, physical, social and spiritual needs…
If you are feeling angry how can you release your anger? Hitting a pillow, screaming into a pillow…
If you are tense, how can you relieve tension? Take a hot bath, stretch or exercise…
If you feeling lonely, how can you feel less lonely? Call a friend; check out an online support group…
If you are feeling disconnected (to yourself) how could you reconnect? Meditate, journal, pray…
Bottom line is this is an opportunity to change your ideas about self-care. It’s about moving towards the good and feeling better…. Once again it’s not about figuring out why you don’t feel good, but more about honoring these feelings and doing/ acting in a kind way towards yourself. And remembering it’s a PRACTICE of doing more things that you love and fewer things that drain you. The acts might be small and the shifts might be slow to notice, but its PRACTICE in being kind to your self, as if you were being kind to your best friend.
Ultimately its about doing things that fill you up and enrich your soul!
If I can be of help in your process of getting to know yourself and learning how to be kind and nurturing to yourself please ASK! It would be my honor to assist you in this journey of self-discovery. You can contact me at integrativehealthcounseling@gmail.com.
Julie Madlin, LMHC, RD, CDE
